tv At Midnight Comedy Central September 17, 2014 2:09am-2:46am PDT
told me, baby ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: "unlocking the truth." the e.p. is "free as you wanna be." good night. thank you. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on youtube today! what do you get when you cross two dads in their 40s, an acoustic guitar, a disinterested teen, and a bat on an afternoon campout? rabies! ( laughter ) >> it's a bat! >> holy ( bleep ).
that nocturnal rodent was apparently annoyed by being awoken to the cast of two and a half men cutting an album of apparently, the internet has taken the bat's side because the video has nearly 300,000 views in less than a week. fortunately, the guitarist was fine and was treated at a local oregon hospital for rabies probably pouredly local coffee on it, bitched because he was a local tourist. comedians, what would you call this dad jam band? >> based on the bat and the music i could call it gotiond're goth band. >> justin long. >> continuing with the theme. i'm going to go bat company. >> cross bee stills and gash in
my neck because the bat bit me. >> chris: it's time to start "@midnight." captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to "@midnight". i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: writer and director of "tusk," in theaters september 19th, it's kevin smith. ( cheers and applause ) hello kevin smith. >> hey man. >> chris: how are you doing? so i'm great. i was on this show not too long ago and, like, i loved it. i went for blood. i played it seriously and stuff and i played at home along with my wife. and she feels she's more clever than me. and i'm like "well, who's on the show tonight?" >> chris: star of "tusk," it's justin long. ( cheers and applause ) >> i started zoning. thinking about how i didn't get
the audition for "tusk." awkward. awkward. >> chris: if you were going to audition, why don't do you it now? did you compare a monologue? >> i did. get that tesk out of here! give me my tisk, please. >> that was really ( bleep ) good. ( laughter ) >> chris: performing at acme comedy company in minneapolis september 26 and 27, it's jen kirkman. ( applause ). >> thank you. let us ghin the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. ( cheers and applause ) in response to customer demands, apple has finally released information on how to get that the shall woo say less than well received u2 album off your iphone so you have more room for pictures of your cat eating bacon cronuts. for those of you living under a soft rock, the new iphone came
preloaded with the new u2 album "songs of innocence," probably by shooting the seed into your youriphone. this is your fault! this is your fault! i only want free things when i want free things, not when the internet wants to give me free things. ( bleep ) you internet! i'm so mad! comedians, let's assume you've already deleted the new u2 album. what are some other things you would like to remove from your iphone? kevin smith? >> i mean, really tell tale dick picks. tell tale because i have the guts, and you're looking over the mountains and there's the top of-- >> chris: no, wait a minute. that-- i feel like-- if that were a fetish that would be called an eclipse. ( laughter ) >> no no, man.
it's called a gatherra mill. >> chris: points. >> the three acoustics and remixed version of george michaelss "i want your sex." >> is that your masturbation song? why did you buy it three times? >> because i was driving while masturbating-- >> chris: wait a minute. who masture base to a song. >> i'm sorry chris. it's been a dry spell! >> chris: points. ( applause ) the new hobbit movie "the battle of the five armies," hits theaters in december, but the denizens of the internet are already getting their hobbit-holes all moist with anticipation. there's no trailers or teasers out yet, but there is a tapestry. ew.com unveiled an incredibly detailed poster for the movie. it's gorgeous and got a great feature where you can use a virtual magnifying glass to appreciate all its nuances.
it'sit's already been on facebook and i'm sure you have seen it. so we added a few things for eagle-eyed hobbit fans. okay, there's kevin hart. he's in everything. the tardis. patrick stewart. guy fieri because he loves being around flames as evidenced by his wardrobe. and of course, disaster girl. because she's always to blame. the hobbit movies have epic names like "the battle of five armies" and "desolation of smaug." comedians, come up with a name for the next hobbit movie that would make you want to watch it. justin long. >> i'm going to go with something generic like they're running out of ideas and i think they should be taken to task for that. i think it should be hobbits-- they're at it again. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: here they go! >> hold on, man.
we were all on the edge of our seats going, "bring it! bring it! bring it." and it was "they're at it again." that's the end of rapid refresh. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. in honor of our esteemed comic ucbstore.com owner turned panelist, kevin smith tonight's hashtag is #hipstercomicbooks some examples would be. bat meh, v for vegan, cy-curious-clops. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. jen kirkman. >> i'm a musician. i've never swung a bat, man. >> chris: points, i like it. kevin. >> the path. >> chris: good points. i got it. jen. >> cat eye glass woman. >> chris: okay, yeah, yeah. justin. >> the farmer's marketeer. >> chris: good, points. good job. justin. >> the silver lake suiver.
>> chris: yes points! >> i'm going to go with mumford and red sons of krypton. >> chris: another good, points. kevin. >> spider comma man. >> chris: justin. >> the barista! >> chris: yes. ( applause ) points. jen. >> i don't own an iron, man. glil glis still works. point! that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #hipstercomicbooks and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we will return shortly with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag wars was sent to us by @ artymccomish. well done!
when you told me about this "candy crush" game at first i thought "so what?", but now i can't stop playing. that's not how it works. i mean it's so simple. it's like my car insurance. i saved 15% in fifteen minutes. well esurance could have saved you money in half that time. three in a row! sweet! 15 minutes for a quote isn't so sweet. level 2! start with a quote from esurance and you could save money on car insurance in half the time. welcome to the modern world. esurance, backed by allstate. click or call.
( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." all right. everyone. it's time to play your favorite ebay-based game show spoof-em-up, "ebay price is right." ♪ ♪ ♪ comedians, come on down! oh you're already here. we're going to show you a selection of fantastic items from popular online auction site e-bay. the comedian who comes closest to the actual ebay price without going over will win brand new points! here's our first item up for bids. a wolverine fur hat!
this delightful item is used-- that may be where the animal crawled up and died. we're not 100% sure. authentic, very much real. kevin. >> i'm going to say 50 bucks because that's what i paid for my wolverine fur hat last week. >> chris: all right. justin long. >> i met the guy-- he told me it was actually $176. >> chris: $176. very high very high, justin long. very high. jen. >> no coaching! no coaching! >> chris: i like that jifnt was screaming prices. >> i'm going to say $165 because that's what i paid for my wolverine hat. >> chris: okay 165 for jen. actual retail price of volve wean fur shat $52!
( cheers and applause ) here's our next item up for bid. it's a mini cooper! wait for it... heavy are trigger control for open and close mouth no questions asked. comedians, what do you bid for this ventrilo-gasm? >> i think so it's $120. >> considering it's anderson son cooper, i'm just going to come out-- ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: no. >> i'm going to come out and say $467. >> chris: $467. that's exceptionally high. actually-- kevin.
( cheers ) >> let me see, i'm looking at this and thinking 200 bucks and here's why. never mind 360 with anderson cooper. you could have a 69 with anderson cooper. >> true i didn't think about that. >> 200 bucks. >> chris: actual retail price of mini cooper is $360,000. >> oh my god! >> chris: justin long way underbid. that's all the time we have for "ebay price is right." seriously, how many contestants do you think ( bleep ) the whole time? >> everybody. >> it keeps shorting. i wonder why. because it goes in a wet-- >> chris: wait a minute!
>> tonight on "@midnight," kirk man talks about her ( bleep ) again. it's time for our live challenge challenge. i want to tell you a personal story. it turns out your old buddy chris hardwick is single now. >> ooohh! what lady wouldn't want a workaholic obsessed with wifi and taxidermy? although there is plenty of room in my jaguar for ( bleep ). don't go out with someone because of that. last night a friend tried to set me up have a text. he made the introduction and said you guys talk. this is 100% true.
i said "hey how's it going?" she said, "i'm at the espn zone." i said i'm in the diametrically opposite setting playing dungeons & dragons." that was 100% true and i sent her pictures of that. ( cheers and applause ) holding my polyhe'deral dice in my hand. and then i texted "basically your environment would want to beat up my environment." so then she responds, "are you winning?" and i responded "i just destroyed a blue crystal skeleton with a lightning spell so, yes, i'm winning." >> get your face out of your hands. it's not that bad. clearly her phone died or she was abducted by aliens because the texts ceased. so yes, i defeated the crystal
skeleton, but i lost the real human vagina. comedians, over the break please write the text that i should have written instead of "i'm playing d&d"? we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! ( cheers and applause ) this silver dollar has been in our family for generations. i had it with me the night i won the heart of your grandmother... wait. that was chrissy redfearn, don't tell nana... it even saved my life from a nail gun in the great construction riots. and now, i want you to ha... never mind. no dollar is safe. the new dollar cravings menu. 11 crave able creations each for a dollar. [sfx] bong
so this board gives me rates on progressive direct and other car insurance companies? yes. but you're progressive and they're them. -yes. -but they're here. -yes. -are you... -there? -yes. -no. -are you them? i'm me. but the lowest rate is from them. -yes. -so them's best rate is... here. so where are them? -aren't them here? -i already asked you that. -when? -feels like a while ago. want to take it from the top? rates for us and them. now that's progressive.
what does t-mobile have that at&t doesn't? get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks. with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. so much for at&t's 'best ever' family pricing. t-mobile's got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to t-mobile. we'll even buy you out of your service contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i asked you guys for some dating advice. in this age of blind text
dating. i asked you 2 write the text i should have sent perhelp let's see what you wrote. kevin smith: you should have wrote was hosting talking dead talking bread, talking shed, talking med, talking spread which could also be bed spreads as well. talking wed-- talking to married people-- and my favorite talking head. ( cheers and applause ) justin. >> i said espn zone. perfect i'll meety 100 feet from the door because that's as close as i am legally allowed. smiley face. ( cheers and applause ) keep her guessing. >> i'm playing with my d, which i want to put in your zone, and don't worry, the only role playing i do is in the bedroom. >> chris: oh, nice! ( cheers and applause ) i like it!
oh, man. i don't know how to dole out points on this. those are all really good answers. i am going to give jen 1,000 and justin and kev 500 points each. ( cheers and applause ). now it's time for our next game smoking polls. ( cheers and applause ) it's rare that we mention florida on this show without being followed by the words "man arrested" but we are doing just that. on november 4, florida will vote on prop 2, the right to medical marijuana initiative. ( cheers and applause ) now wait a minute before you start with that business and kevin strarts booking a podcast tour of orlando let's take a look at how they chose to push this initiative. then we'll see. ♪ oh, yes, it's weed you're the one that i want ♪
( cheers and applause ) it turns out that the only way to connect with a population that's old enough to have a living memory of high school in the 1950 system a parody. given that this is florida, i want you to come up with other initiatives we can expect to see on the ballot. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. >> prop 69-a. that is we take two archipelagos and put them at the base of florida so it does look like dick and balls. >> chris: justin. >> i'm going to say prop 85-- can we do something about this heat! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: jen. >> every woman's busch garden has to be brazilian waxed. >> chris: another good, points. justin. >> prop 12, mandatory scissors
in public schools. >> chris: points for justin. jen. >> prop 16-- actually, keep the kardashians from taking miami. >> prop 6, cousins wed free at disney world on wednesdays. that's the end of smoking polls. it was very close but kev you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> what! >> i'm the only one that actually cared. >> chris: do you have any last words besides the fact people should go see "tusk" this weekend. >> ladies and gentlemen, never let anybody tell you an idea is too stupid. do whatever you want in this life. before you die. just don't hurt anyone else while doing it. booib. >> chris: those are the nicest words! i... feel bad eliminating you.
that means it's time to let in the holy ghost. it's for the win! covenantspice.com is a "christian intimacy" website dedicated to strengthening marriages by selling dildos. ( laughter ) the site sells sex toys and christian sex manuals, which they say are only for use as a couple and not for self-pleasuring. you know like this couple thing right there. that's uh-- >> oh! blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord. >> chris: oh! ( cheers and applause ) well done, kevin. they claim to feature none of that "vile pornography" you find at other sites. just good, old-fashioned fist-sized vibrating polyurethane like god intended. they also thank you for your business and offer "god's blessings on your marriage." comedians, please write a review
♪ foghorn sounds loudly ♪ here's a good one seattle... what did geico say to the mariner? we could save you a boatload! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly ♪ what's seattle's favorite noise? the puget sound! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly ♪ all right, never mind doesn't matter. this is a classic. what does an alien seamstress sew with? a space needle! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly continuously ♪ oh come off it captain! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
wraps or loaded breakfast sandwich. only $4 each. good eye, and very budget-conscious of you. does that mean i can get that new laptop? how about a shake instead? [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for, "for the win." which means i will wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe wipe. wipe wipe wiem. upon i israel read the answers out lowtd and you will decide
who is the winner. before the break, i showed you covenantspice.com, a website dedicated to sex toys for christian couples, and asked you to write a review of your experience for the website. what did you write? ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) who was number two? jen kirkman. you are the winner! we'll see you all tomorrow night when ou